Death and Dumbassess: Universe 1
by Energy Dragon Slayer
Summary: Welcome to a tale of death and dumbasses four idiots start a journey to somehow start a revolution and actually try to help people. Chances are it's not going to go well like most things in the D&D that I play.
1. It has begun

**This is a story based on a D &D group I'm apart of however not everything will be 100% accurate to the story but it'll be close enough. Anyways enjoy!**

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Welcome to Earth... maybe I'm errr pretty sure it was never established what the planet was called but hey this is from like 2 or 3 years ago so until further notice the planets gonna be called Earth. Anyways once again welcome to Earth obviously not the one we live in because otherwise this would either 1) make no sense or 2) be boring as shit but I'm sure my writing will make this the second just fine... where was I... Right! Earth a corrupt planet ruled by a fucked up King in which elves known as elevens became slaves while a group of freedom fighters try to change things because they ain't happy with how shit is.

Well, that's the jist of it so welcome to the first chapter of how a bunch fuck nuggets went from helping start a revolution to some guardians of the galaxy rip off and a fanfiction writers wet dream.

Our story (finally) begins inside the bar of a small village called... Fuck it doesn't matter the main characters are going to be here for like 5 minutes top so lets just skip to the main character descriptions.

Sitting in the corner of the bar with a pissed expression a dragonborn with a blood red scales as his tail swished from side to side behind him in a somehow pissed of manner although it makes most think of some pissed off dog. Equipped with leather armour and a mace by his side with a shield adopting his back he also had messy black hair and piercing red eyes, he slowly drank his beverage tuning out the noise from the drunk fuckers around him.

The next MC was sitting at a bar stool who's a human bard with an ocarina strapped to his hip and because we don't go into a lot of detail his appearance is still fucking unknown to me till this day so I apologise but you'll have to use your imagination until I find out and unfortunately this may end up as a common theme so if that makes to difficult to read or you think it's shit because of that (don't blame you on either really) then I bid you a good day.

Also sitting at a bar was an elf drinking and reading a book this guy was a wizard with a wooden staff leaning near him completely unaware of how fucked he is for going full wizard. You never go full wizard.

And the final MC should be entering right aboooout now.

The door to the bar shattered into splinters as a paladin red dragonborn skidded through as 2 pissed off guys shortly followed looking ready to beat the shit out of him everyone seemed to ignore it at first to busy with committing liver suicide to give a shit. That was until one of the guys was hit with a haymaker landing on one of the tables breaking it in half causing everything too stop.

With this I'll gladly say

The wheel of fate is turning

Universe one

Begin!

Everything had turned into a massive brawl bodies were being thrown everywhere the less pissed dragonborn had found himself fighting side by side the bard who instantly popped a murder boner when the fight had started and yes I know that is weird for a bard but just roll with it. The wizard simply let out a sigh and mumbling about such things were beneath him the pissed off cleric dragonborn simply sat there either waiting for it to end or too wait for an excuse to join. That excuse came when a chair hit him in the side of the head causing him to fall to the ground the drunken guy who threw it simply started laughing until the pissed off lizard man stormed towards punching him in the stomach causing him to keel over earning him a knee to the face knocking him out. Still not satisfied the pissed of cleric grabbed another guy and finally spoke

"Oi, bard!"

The bard with a noticeable tent in his pants while punching guy turned to him and responded "Yeah?"

"Catch." The dragonborn punched the guy towards the bard who lifted him up and suplexed through the bar

The dragonborn walked up to him and the bard held a hand out to him, "Thanks for that, names Kiba."

accepting the hand shake the dragon man responded, "Kai, also you might want to do something about the tent you're pitching."

A bit confused at first the now named Kiba realises what he's talking about "Oh don't worry about I just get a bit happy when I fight."

"I can tell and trust me I'm worrying."

Meanwhile at the legion of doo- I mean with the wizard

He simply grumbled into the book he was reading until someone knocked into him spilling his drink and with the fury of a child he turned to the drunk who spilled his drink and spoke "You goddamn fool! do you not know who I am?! I am David Greysteel a goddamn noble you should treat me with resp-" he was cut off by a punch to the face.

"Puny noble." The drunk guy slurred while walking away.

That crossed the line for the wizard as he picked up his staff and pointed at the guys back "Witchbolt!" A blue stream of lightning hit the man in the back launching him through the wall whether he was dead or not... well nobody cared enough too check. He had turned around only to see the cleric dragonborn with the other dragonborn and the bard behind launch a breath attack at the bar. Where all the alcohol was stored "Son of a bi-" the explosion had caused a massive explosion launching everyone out all David could see through blurry eyes was that one of the dragonborns had picked him and started running in a random direction. The wizard would have demanded he be put down but he couldn't deny the fact someone doing shit for him was right up his alley so after some time of hauling ass out of that last village they had ended up in another town being stopped by the guards the wizard just so happened to wake up to brag about his title of a noble to get them inside.

And thus the adventures of these bunch of fuck nuggets had begun

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 **Well I hope you guys enjoyed that because my god I don't think I've written something before and had this much fun with it so if you did please feel free to favourite and/or follow and if not well... fair enough. Also for every reference you spot you guys get a free Lamborghini no scam what so ever.**


	2. The first of many disappointments

**This is a story based on a D &D group I'm apart of however not everything will be 100% accurate to the story but it'll be close enough. Anyways enjoy!**

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Narrator: ***YAWN*** where was we... Oh right our 'heroes' had just arrived at their second town after managing to blow up a bar and the wizard of the group had managed to find yet another opportunity to brag about his status as a noble, the guards had let them in if only to get Greysteel to shut the fuck up and I believe that's it right? ***Puts a finger on an ear piece*** Yeah uh huh okay right, soooo can I get my paycheck and leave now? WHAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN ABOUT 20 UNIVERSES!? I CAN'T STAY HERE FOR THAT LONG THE UPLOAD SCHEDULE IS TERRIBLE! OH WELL YOU KNOW WHAT GO FUCK YOURSELF!

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Chapter 2: The first of many disappointments.

The group of four made there way through the town with, well no purpose really until Kiba had decided to look for an inn because fuck it why not and everything was going so well until Brandor had pointed out that their money had been burnt to a crisp during the explosion. After a few selective words from the other three causing the villagers to stare at them like they're fucking nuts which to be fair isn't to far fetched considering who we are talking about, the group had decided to see if any jobs were available.

Because as we know, these four can do something correctly... Oh wait.

After looking through the large amount of jobs on selection the group had finally decided on something that was obviously right for their skill level

 _Mission: Kill hell hounds and hell hound master_

 _Reward: Depends..._

...

scratch that they're probably fucking dead. I mean seriously you guys blow up a bar and all of a sudden you think you can take fiery demon dogs?

Kiba: yes

But that's because you- wait, how the fuck did you get here!?

Kiba: *Shrugs shoulders* Dunno, you wanna cupcake?

You know what I would actually love a cupca- wait a fucking minute you don't have that power yet. And get the fuck out of here will you *boots him out of the fourth wall*

Right lets get back on track. So the four fuckwits of no where had headed off into the forest to begin their first mission. They had set up camp in the forest waiting for night to fall in order to wait for some hell hounds to show up and Brandor had decided to strike up a conversation with the band of death and dumb asses.

Brandor: So what's everyone's story?

Kai: What do you mean?

Brandor: You know, like your past how'd you all end up at the bar that stuff.

Kiba: Well I mean I'm from a clan of bards and I think I just got high and ended there.

Brandor: *has a what the fuck face* Cool... Well I'm just travelling around to try and help as many people as possible.

Kiba: Hahaha fuck that.

Brandor: What about you Kai?

Kai: Pass.

Brandor: Okay... what about you David.

David: *Looking absolutely ecstatic at the chance to talk about himself* Finally you ask. Now get ready for a god like tale for people of your common status but fear not young brandor because I shall speak in such a way that even a commoner such as yourself can understand. *clears throat* this glorious tale began from when a young prodigy was born his parents only had to take one look at him to know he was destined to do great things and they knew, yes they knew the perfect name David Greysteel. As time went on my brilliance shined above others and I excelled in the art of magic. But, things had grown too stale for me I had decided to leave the nest as they say and pursue a further knowledge of magic and build my own kingdom. You can begin clapping whenever you feel although I'm afraid some of that may have gone over your head Brandor but don't worry I forgive you.

He finishes with an over dramatic bow which is swiftly followed by some sarcastic clapping from the resident bard

David: Why thank you Kiba you certainly know who deserves praise.

Kai: *Whispering to Brandor* Are you really going to let the fucking idiot treat you like that?

Brandor: *sigh* Leave him his in a bit over his head nothing I say will change his mind.

The group had been stricken with an awkward silence after that only being broken by the sound of howling close by. The group had quickly prepared themselves. David activated Armour of Agathys surrounding him in frost. Kai simply stood up in front of David getting his mace and shield ready to fight. Brandor had gotten his sword and shield ready but stood behind the wizard instead?

Kai: Brandor, the fuck are you doing?

Brandor: Protecting us in case they come from the back.

Kai: Considering we can smell the ones in front of us and since they're flames are literally acting as a light I can confirm none are coming from the back.

Brandor: I'm doing this just be safe.

Kai: Oh for fuck sake.

Meanwhile Kiba had decided he wanted jump into a tree and hide cuz fuck it why not. Sadly for Kai however he didn't have time to complain as seven hell hounds jumped out all ready to unleash breath attacks. Luckily for Kai he was quick enough to get off his breath attack in time to clash but sadly the combined breath attack overpowered his managing to hit and although he did manage to reduce the damage but he still took quite the hit making him skid along the ground leaving marks in the ground.

Kai: Well fuck anyone got any ideas?

...

Kai: Of course not.

One of the hell hounds leapt towards Kai with the intention to rip out his throat but Kai was too quick and manage to get his shield up blocking the attack and parrying it upwards just in time for it to get hit by a witchbolt from David. Launching the hell hound but not being able to kill it. What a surprise. Finally Brandor had charged at a hell hound that was slightly further out from the pack catching it off guard with a slash to neck it skids into another hound throwing them off balance allowing them so Kai could shield bash them back. Brandor had taken a moment to silently cheer his little victory that he was almost mauled by one of the hounds jumping behind him luckily the good ol' bard had fired a bolt from his wrist crossbow into its eye causing it to drop and whimper

Kiba: You owe me forever now.

With a sigh Brandor plunged his sword into its neck finally killing one of the little However six more were still present and ready to fight. Looking over in Kiba's direction with a nod Kai started hitting his shield with his mace causing three of the hounds to chase him and leaving three with Brandor and David.

Two of the three with Kai and Kiba were swiftly dealt as Kiba performed an air assassination with his rapier and wrist crossbow. The final one Didn't fare much better as Kai had sheathed his mace and launched this hound up into the sky following it up with a punch to the stomach while activating a guiding bolt on impact and blew up the hell hound leaving no trace.

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Meanwhile with Brandor and David with the other three hell hounds.

David: Did those bloody simpletons leave us?!

Brandor: *Blocks one hound and parries another.* Well they did lead three hounds away. Maybe they just wanted to make things easier?

David: *Misses another witchbolt and gets pushed* They've got a lot of bowing to do to make up for this. especially since they're making me use this *Looks in his pockets and struggles trying to find something* WHERE THE HELL IS IT?!

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Kai: So what the hell is with that jar?

Kiba: Don't know just stole from the that guy with his head up his arse. *opens it up.* It's a jar of dirt... Fuck it I HAVE A JAR OF DIRT!

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Still struggling with the hounds Brandor misses a slash as all three jump back getting ready to unleash another breath attack until a flash of red almost flew in and slashed all three with a pink two handed sword launching the all into a tree splitting it in half killing all three on impact.

?: Well that wasn't even a warm up.

?: This is why you can't trust men to do a womens job.

 _Scarlet_

 _The true meaning of girl power with a feminazi sword._

Scarlet:So then who are you lot?

Rose: A bunch of losers obviously.

David: Well, I am-

Brandor: *Puts hand over the wizards mouth.* To save a very long introduction I'm Brandor and this is David.

Scarlet: The names Scarlet. So why are you two here?

Brandor: We needed money so we're trying to kill the hell hound master.

Scarlet: Oh so you took that job as well. No offence but I don't think you two fit the bill for this

Rose: They're men what do you expect.

Brandor: We do have two more people with us.

David: Yes and they have a lot of apologising to do.

Scarlet: Oh and why is that?

Kiba: Yeah why is that wizard boy?

Kai and Kiba both show up quite conveniently to join the conversation.

David: What do you mean why?! You left us with those damn demon dogs.

Kai: And if you remember correctly we had three each. Sorry that was a bit too much for the so called prodigy. Anyway whose the person I'm assuming helped you out?

Scarlet: Names Scarlet. Yours are?

Kai: Kai

Kiba: Kiba

Scarlet: So what are we doing about the job then?

Kai: I say we work together strength in numbers I guess.

Scarlet: I'm fine with that just as long as the wizard doesn't get in the way. At least the paladin was holding his own.

David looked like he was about to explode at this point but was cut off from the significantly louder howling and bright light that didn't seem to far from their position.

Scarlet: Okay not gonna lie I'm not one hundred percent confident we can take on that many at once.

Kai: Well back that way we saw what looked like an abandoned city with a castle we could probably hide in there for now.

With no objections the group headed towards the castle as quickly as they could. The place looked quite wrecked but the castle looked to be in a stable enough condition to take shelter in the paladin and cleric of the group healed everyone up before splitting up to search the castle.

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Greysteel's little adventure.

Greysteel didn't like having to search the prison/dungeon of the castle but when the group said they needed the most capable of the group to take charge of the search of this particular area who was Greysteel to deny his subjects what they needed. Although he did wonder why Kiba had laughed when walking off.

Probably to mask his nervousness.

Yeah it must be that.

Reaching the end of the steps the wizard of the group saw a sight that sickened him. Blood covered the walls and bodies almost unidentifiable thrown into pies almost lazily leading a bloody trail leading towards a door at the end. Gingerly David made his way to the door uncharacteristically nervous he pushed the door open as carefully as possible leading to an almost empty room with nothing but a podium and large chains... that were leading upwards.

through pure fear David leapt back through the door but not closing it and landing on his ass what had managed to land on its feet horrified him.

It's body was made of bone four wings sprouted from its back a spear like tail swinging from behind it. It's claws on it's hands and feet were sword like.

He was face to face with a bone demon.

It leaned towards him it's empty sockets stared deep into his eyes.

Bone demon: I... have an offer you.

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 **Next time on D &D**

The Hell hound master slices at the combined witchbolt and guiding bolt creating a shock wave launching everyone out of the castle broken and battered.

Brandor: how the hell are we supposed to beat him?

Kai: At this point we might as well just end ourselves.

David: Well... I do have one suggestion...

Everyone but Kiba and David: WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU SAY THIS BEFORE!?

Kiba: Imma kill him!


End file.
